Advice from  RTF Founder Suzie Eller

A comment on the RTF site:

Well, I just found out my daughter had been cutting herself and i am soo scared she means the world to me and I thought our relationship was good but in reality now I think she hates me, she had in the last month read the book the virgin suicides I was freaking out today checked it out the plot and dont know what to do it has homcoming in it and Im scared shes not herself these days made crazy alegations against me I am really strict and I really dont know what to do. (more…)

After surfing some blogs recently, one comment stood out amongst hundreds. I don’t remember what Alexis Sommer said but I was intrigued so I visited her website. What I found there was a Christian girl with a passion for helping women and girls find freedom from eating disorders. So I asked Alexis to hang out at Real Teen Faith to talk about eating disorders, lies and finding freedom.

Debra Weiss: Thanks for coming, Alexis. It’s great to have you here today! When did your eating disorder begin? What were some of the lies you believed at that time?

Alexis Sommer: Thanks for having me! My eating disorder started around the time I was in seventh grade, or at least that was when the “disordered eating” started. I began my year and a half struggle with anorexia the summer before I started high school and struggled with bulimia for the remaining three years.

The thoughts, however, began way before my eating disorder ever started. For as long as I can remember, I believed the lie that I had to be perfect in order to have value. Part of that came from the way I coped with my parents’ divorce and other events, and part of it was just my personality. Early on, I believed the lie that my life was worthless. I thought that I was a mistake, and I would constantly pray that God would just let me die.

I believed the lie that I was “in the way”, and that no one would ever care about me. Then there were, of course, the eating disorder lies. The lies that said I was fat, ugly, and never good enough. Those lies were some of the hardest to live with because no matter what I did, I couldn’t “fix” it. No matter how much weight I lost, I was never “good enough” or “pretty enough” to be loved.

DW: On your blog, you write “There comes a day when balancing two identities takes its toll and destroys you. There comes a day when you look in the mirror and can no longer see your reflection. That’s the day the glass breaks. It’s a day of wonder and terror. Of beauty and beast. Of sin and redemption. It’s the day you come to grips with the fact that you will never measure up, but that despite that fact- you are Loved.” When was the day ‘your mirror broke’? How did you find hope and healing after that?

AS: My mirror broke the day my world literally fell apart. I was so overwhelmed with my depression and eating disorder that I continually tried to take my own life. After the last attempt, I ended up in another psych ward. I lost everything that day- my family, my “life”, my freedom. My perfect life fell apart, and only shattered pieces remained. I wish I could say everything was fine after that, but it wasn’t. It took a long time for me to finally face what my life had become and decide to change it. It wasn’t easy giving up my eating disorder; it was a part of me. The day did come though.

I had applied to Mercy Ministries and, after being on the waiting list for months, I finally got a call. Only it wasn’t what the call I was expecting. I was told that they did not think I really wanted help (they were right- I didn’t), and that I needed to get in touch with them when I was finally ready to change. Things fell apart even more after that call, and that night God showed up. I had never before been much of a Bible reader, but I opened up my Bible and read the words of Deuteronomy chapter 30. God was telling me it was time to make a choice, and that was the moment I decided to change.

It wasn’t easy. Not at all. I went to Mercy a month later, and while I was there, I was introduced to the real Christ, not the Jesus I had developed in my mind. I realized that my life had never been a mistake and that God LOVED me, imperfections and all. The concept of being wholly and completely loved floored me; I had never before believed that anyone could love me. When His love and sacrifice for me became real, it was easier to give up my eating disorder. I didn’t need to gain the attention of every person that passed by because the one who created everything always had His eye on me!

DW: I love the concept behind the 1-80 Challenge! Can you tell readers what this is and why you started it?

AS: The purpose of the 1-80 Challenge is to change the way we see beauty, live beauty, and define beauty. After I worked through all the underlying issues of my eating disorder, I still struggled for the sole reason that I wanted to be seen as “beautiful”. I could not give up the image of beauty in my mind, and I found that wanting to be “beautiful” is one of the main reasons girls and women never recover from their eating disorders, even after working on the issues.

After walking in freedom for some time, I decided that something needed to change in regards to beauty. Even though I was not struggling with the behavior of my eating disorder, the thoughts were still there. I planned on developing a website to change the definition of beauty, but God showed me that I still needed some changing myself. So I started the challenge on my blog to make one change for 80 days in an attempt to change the way not only I see beauty, but how every other girl sees beauty.

DW: I understand you’re launching Change Beauty (www.changebeauty.org) in October. What is that website about?

AS: Change Beauty is about changing the definition of beauty so women and men can live lives of freedom. It’s a common misconception that men aren’t affected by beauty, but the fact is- they are. The magazine images become the expectation and when that definition of beauty is the expectation, nobody wins. Men strive after those “perfect” images, and women strive to be “perfect” to gain the attention of everyone around them. Everyone is running around in circles, and nobody will stop until that definition is changed.

Change Beauty will not only challenge women to change their personal definitions of beauty, but it will also provide girls with hope that freedom from the lies is possible. There will be video testimonies, documentaries eventually, bible study tools, advice for the everyday challenges…really anything women need to live lives of freedom. The website launches on October 19, but starting September 1st I am posting a survey called “Project Change Beauty” in order to hear from the girls and women who will make this happen. More information will be on the website then, but the purpose of the project is to find out what women think is beautiful.

DW: What are your plans for the future?

AS: Well, I’m currently working on a book about overcoming eating disorders, and I plan on dedicating my life to this cause. Eventually, I see Change Beauty becoming a non-profit organization that focuses on challenging the lies of society and revealing the truth about beauty and eating disorders. I hope to develop commercials to spread awareness about these issues, and I plan to organize future conferences that address eating disorders and finding beauty and truth in Christ.

Locally, I dream of establishing a Change Beauty “office” that is available for girls and women to come and find truth. There are not a lot of resources for eating disorders where I live, and I hope to change that. I can see the “office” one day having a few counselors available for girls who are struggling, but most importantly, I see it as being a place that helps girls live life. I can see it being used to hold weekly bible studies, nutrition classes, and support groups. I think it could be a safe place for girls to come and “escape” to, especially when they are having struggles and temptations. I have no idea how any of this is going to play out, but I do know this: only He can make it happen, so I am going to sit back and watch it unfold. He’s the God of miracles; my life is a living testimony to that.

***

Short Bio: Alexis Sommer, 19, is a writer living in Corpus Christi, Texas. She struggled with an eating disorder for six years and found herself in and out of treatment centers, counselors’ offices, and psych wards.

She thought she would never be free from her eating disorder, and-on her own- she never would have been. It wasn’t until she came face to face with the truth of her actions and the truth of Christ that she found freedom.

Today her life is all about sharing that freedom and hope. You can find her daily on her blog (http://tobebeautiful.wordpress.com) or you can visit her website come October (www.changebeauty.org).

Real Teen Faith was a vision I had nearly 10 years ago. To talk about real issues like self-injury, faith, sex, relationships, and more with teens. To provide a safe place where we could dig into the Word and find answers.

I love teens, always have, always will. I’ve worked with teens in my home church, as a speaker, and as an author.

Real Teen Faith allowed me to mentor teens who loved to write! I’ve had the privilege of working with some of the most talented teens, nudging them, encouraging them, and many times standing back in awe at a devo or truth they shared.

While I love to autograph my own books, I get just as much joy when one of the RTF teen writers succeed. One has published her own book. Another was snagged by a great literary agency. I know that I’ll have an autographed copy of her book on my shelf one day! I expect big things from these teens.

I love the ministry aspect of Real Teen Faith. I received hundreds of e-mails from teens with questions, sometimes really hard questions, or perhaps just a request to pray.

While I’ll always have a heart for teens, I get to hand this over to one of the talented RTF writers. BJ Hamrick is funny. She’s serious about writing and mentoring teens. She was a teen when I first met her and now she’s married and her books are being considered for publication. She’s one of the best writers I ever met, and her heart for teens is crazy big.

Where am I going? I’m speaking and traveling much more with Proverbs 31 Ministries. I’m juggling books and columns and blogs and speaking. Something had to go! And after a lot of prayer, this was one of those things.

But the cool news is that Real Teen Faith goes on — with new vision and creativity and in the future a new blog design, videos, and even more growth.

Stay in touch! I’m on Facebook, twitter, and have my personal blog. I’d love to hear from you from time to time!

And BJ? You are amazing. Thanks for taking RTF to new heights!

Suzie

by Debra Weiss

From my shoulders to my fingers, there is not a muscle nor a nerve that does not ache. My arms have been trembling for the past three days for hours on end. Violently. Painfully. Both my wrists are now sprained from the constant trembling. I cannot hold a cup half full of liquid without spasms of pain shooting through both of my wrists.

After seeing me today, one doctor remarked that I am ‘a very strong young woman’. I thanked her but told her the truth. “Most people,” I explained, “when they encounter difficulties either fall backward in defeat or forward to their knees in prayer. I just choose prayer.”

I know this month at Real Teen Faith we’ve been talking about going back to real life after experiencing God in a new way during the summer. If you’re one of the ones going back to your ordinary life after experiencing God this summer, know that you will face difficulty.

There will come moments when those who have less than honorable intentions prosper. There will be moments when the tears and the pain come. There will be moments when you ask why and God doesn’t seem to answer.

In those moments, know you have two choices – you can fall back in defeat or you can fall to your knees in prayer. (more…)

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.

Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. (1 Corinthians 9:24-27)

I was watching a Marathon, sitting with friends, one of them a runner. A guy ran by. He was bent over crooked. It looked like a rubber band pulled him forward.

“What’s up with that guy,” I asked.

“He’s dehydrated,” my friend said. “He’s in danger and doesn’t even know it. His body has taken all the fluids and now it’s drawing from his muscles.”

A bystander ran to the man and handed him a Gatorade and the runner swigged it down.

I hope it’s not too little, too late, I thought.  

Marathon runners train for months to get in shape. They have to wear the right shoes. They eat lots of carbs and the right amount of protein. They work to stay dehydrated, not just during the race, but before and after.

They train on similar terrain to the marathon course. It’s a lot different running a straight 26. 2 miles than it is running hills or into the wind or by water.

They have to know how to partner with others. There’s a point in a marathon that every runner wants to give up. Their body is screaming in pain. Their feet are bleeding or their toenails are turning black. Every time they pound the pavement it jolts their hips or knees.

A good partner might be a running buddy who comes alongside in those times and helps them keep the pace. Not too fast. Not too slow. Just one step in front of the other.

It might be a group of friends who hold signs with your name on it, or who scream out your name as you pass by, and then drive to the next major point so they can do it all over again.

Following Christ is also a marathon. It’s not a sprint. It’s discouraging at times, and ecstatic at others. Paul warns believers to stay focused and not to get tripped up. Your daily prayer life (just talking to God) is your nourishment. It’s something that doesn’t go away. You can dig down deep and find what you need when you’re discouraged.

Your roadmap is your relationship with Christ. It helps you remember who you are and where you’re going. When you follow Him, it won’t always be the easiest routes, or that of the least resistance, but it’s in his footsteps so you’ll grow in the process.

It will be important who you allow to encourage you as you navigate life. Are they taking you down, or are you showing them how to run the race?

What about when you fall or get injured in the race? Get back up. Athletes often fall and are bruised. They gain strength by getting up and learning from their mistakes.

At the end of the race, there is a prize. But there are also prizes along the way: knowing God, discovering your destiny, getting to know the Creator of the Universe.

Are you running the race?

What does it take to change the world? I’m not big enough. You aren’t big enough.

But love is big enough.

Mother Theresa said, “We can do not great things, only small things with great love.”

This past Sunday our youth pastor challenged the teens to serve others, to change their thoughts from selfish to selfless. That’s not something we can do completely on our own. The trap is that our actions can become the focus. The world is looking for someone to applaud.

But when the motivation is love, it completely changes why you’re doing what you’re doing.

You’d do it even if no one noticed.

You’d do it even if your effort wasn’t appreciated.

So where do you start? Do you pick up a shovel or a hammer or create a website or send a donation?

It begins with the heart. Ask God to help you love others. To show you one thing – one small thing covered with great love – that you can do.

Anyone can give up. 

It’s the easiest thing in the world to do.

But to hold it all together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.

 ~anonymous

She’s an icon, just barely out of her teens. He’s an icon, still in his teens. All those who meet the couple say they are charming, intelligent, gracious.

What went wrong? And why are they back together?

Suzie, that’s love. They are back together because they love and need each other.

No, it’s really not. Because love is kind. Love is self-control. Love builds each other up. Love is lots of things, but it’s not battering the person you care about with words or fists.

So, what can we learn from this? No one gets to hit you and say I love you in the same day. Even if they appear amazing on the outside, if the inside is shallow or broken, that will only widen like a river unless it’s mended by God.   

And you aren’t God.

You can’t fix another person. You can’t love them into wholeness, or do the right thing enough times so that they’ll stop hitting you.

Some helpful numbers if you are being abused:

Youth Crisis Line – 1-800-448-4663

Domestic Abuse/Assault 1-800-333-SAFE (24 hrs)

Covenant House Crisis Support 1-800-999-9999 (24 hrs)