By RTF Editor B.J. Hamrick

The scar on your arm

Is only a clue

Of the scar inside

That once terrified you

The fear is gone

The scar remains

A reminder of loss

And the power of pain

Love is a man

With a scar on His arm

It runs deep like yours

He understands harm

The scar on His arm

Is only a clue

Of the scar inside

That He bears for you

****

I wrote this several years ago for a friend when he told me he struggled with cutting himself.

At the time I didn’t tell him that I understood how he felt… I couldn’t even admit to myself that I struggled with self-harm.

Eventually the day came when I was ready to ask for help…

If I knew where he was today, I would tell my friend — you are not alone, and you can be free from this.

I know.

Your journey starts with finding a safe place to be vulnerable…

Contact me or Halee at realteenfaith[at]gmail[dot]com for more information.

Advice from  RTF Founder Suzie Eller

A comment on the RTF site:

Well, I just found out my daughter had been cutting herself and i am soo scared she means the world to me and I thought our relationship was good but in reality now I think she hates me, she had in the last month read the book the virgin suicides I was freaking out today checked it out the plot and dont know what to do it has homcoming in it and Im scared shes not herself these days made crazy alegations against me I am really strict and I really dont know what to do. (more…)

I am 15 years old. My dad is strange, to say the least. He’s sexually hurt others. He has had a ankle bracelet on for a while and just recently had it removed. My mother divorced him and we live with her.

The problem is that my mom works really long hours. I babysit my siblings and mow lawns to make extra money. Everyday, she comes home yelling and screaming. She will tell my siblings to clean house and me to do dishes and other chores. I will usually do my chores, but if the siblings don’t pick up their toys, we ALL get yelled at.

If I make a mistake, she says I’m like my dad.

I’ve attempted to cut myself, but haven’t had the nerve. I backtalked and got grounded for almost a month. My siblings do much worse and get away with it.

I have a boyfriend who is 16. We have been going out for over 7 months and my mother hates him.

I do admit I have an attitude, but I’m 15 for God’s sake! Almost all teen rebel and act like that around this time!

I was told by my friends that if I record her saying “If you don’t like it here, then you can leave” on tape, then I can actually leave and it would be ok because she TOLD me to leave. Is that true?

Is there any way that I can get away from her without going to live with my dad or changing schools?

N, age 15

(more…)

Debra Weiss interviews Laura Farrar

Laura Farrar is part of a courageous generation determined to reach out and do something about the problems they see in the world around them.

Because Laura Farrar has struggled with eating disorders, depression, and self-injury, she understands the pain and secrecy they bring. Discontent to just talk about these issues, Laura is determined to do something.

In 2008, Laura started the Dancing in the Rain Foundation. Through her organization, Laura hopes to start a shelter for hurting teens where her organization can offer crisis and intervention services to hurting adolescents so that they may experience God’s mercy and love while receiving the help they need.

Debra Weiss: First of all, Laura, it’s great to have you here at Real Teen Faith. I loved the name of your organization, Dancing in the Rain Foundation, as soon as I heard it. What’s the story behind the name?

Laura Farrar: Thanks, Debbie for having me! Our name was inspired by a few quotes I’ve heard over the years. One of those is “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.” That’s the heart of what we believe in. The storms of life bring rain and hardship to our lives, but there is hope–we can learn to dance, cope, thrive and heal even in the midst of the pain.

DW: I understand you have faced your share of tough issues like an eating disorder and even struggled with self-injury. Like so many of the teens you minister to now, you were trapped. What set you free? Is there a moment that looking back you can say, that’s when the journey out began?

LF: For so many years I was caught in the trap of depression, self-injury, and compulsive eating, and in my high school years I just broke down.

Ultimately, God set me free. It wasn’t a quick thing at all–it’s very much a long, difficult process, but the journey to freedom was there waiting for me to decide that I wanted to change.

I would have to say that in my sophomore year of high school when I met with my youth pastor and told him what I was struggling with, my journey really began. He encouraged me to have an “extreme makeover” and begin to talk to people, which was something my social anxiety disorder had prevented. It has taken about four years of seeking God’s will in my life, being ministered to by mentors, Christian counseling and medication that has enabled me to find healing.

DW: Both in your writing and in your speaking, you’ve met serious issues head-on. People say that the truth will set you free then hide behind lies. Why is the secrecy of activities like self-injury and depression so hard to break?

LF: Most of the secrecy in behaviors like self-injury and depression, and situations like abuse and addictions is directly related to shame. Our society tends to be rather judgmental to those who aren’t “normal” and so admitting that you have a serious problem is extremely hard.

Also, especially for teens, they may not even realize that what they’re dealing with is a serious problem. I know in my life, I didn’t realize depression was a mental illness until I was midway through high school. Thankfully, there is a lot more education out there for younger students now, but I think that a middle schooler who is self-injuring still may not understand that SI is treatable, because to them it’s a really important coping method.

DW: The next question I have is how are we as a church enabling this secrecy and how can we bring things out in the open?

LF: Many churches perpetuate the idea that as Christians we shouldn’t have disorders or struggle with these kinds of issues. Sadly, I’ve met far too many people who actually think that depression, schizophrenia, bipolar and other very real disorders are either demon possession or directly related to sin and disobedience to God.

While I agree that there is a kind of spiritual depression that can happen when you’re not right with God, the majority of mental illness we see in Christians happens to those who are serving, love God and are involved in the church.

For these individuals, there is no way to admit their struggles for fear of being accused and judged. In order to bring things out in the open, we have to honest with each other. Leaders in the church need to talk about the prevalence of mental illness and how it can affect anyone–not just those in sin. Until we start talking about it–in sermons, small groups, youth groups, etc., people will remain uninformed.

DW: We’ve discussed the church as enabler. But what can we do to help these young people heal? Are there things the church can do to reach out and influence these hurting teens’ lives in a positive way for Christ?

LF: Absolutely. First, the church needs to become accepting of hurting souls. In the youth group that I work in, I always watch for students who sit in the back or don’t talk to many people. They are the first teens that I approach, hug and talk to. Reaching out and simply being nice to them is so key to their healing. They have to know they are loved and accepted.

If we sit in church and whisper to the person next to us about how so and so doesn’t look like they belong in church, we have just alienated someone who needs Christ just as much as us. The second thing we can do is mentor these students. Being friendly, getting to know them, taking them out to coffee…these are all ways we can encourage them to open up to us and really make a difference.

DW: For the teen that is reading this wondering, how can I help my friend with the eating disorder/self-injury/depression/whatever they’re facing, what is the single most important thing they can do for their friend?

LF: Be there for them. Without a doubt, the support that you can offer by giving them hugs, texting, talking on the phone in the middle of the night when they can’t sleep, writing letters, hanging out–those are the daily acts that save lives. If your friend is so depressed she/he can’t get out of bed, go to their house and watch a movie together. Let them know that you care and will be there for them as much as humanly possible.

DW: For the teen who is struggling with an addiction or eating disorder or another issue we’ve talked about and reading this, how can they get help? How can they reach out and end the secrecy?

LF: It’s crucial to find someone you trust and tell them what’s going on. This could be a parent, youth pastor, leader, mentor, teacher, relative, etc. If it’s easier, start by telling a close friend, and have them go with you to tell an adult.

If the first person you tell isn’t supportive or doesn’t know what to say or do, I urge you to go find someone else and tell them. There are so many people who really truly care and would do anything to help you. An adult who is active in your life will be the best person to help you report an abuser, find a therapist, and even approach your parents if you need to.

Breaking your silence will be the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but it’s worth it! It took me ten years to tell people that I’d been abused, but after I spoke up, everything got so much better. I had to realize that holding it in was going to kill me, and letting it out was going to save my life.

DW: Finally, what can parents do if they suspect their teen is struggling with depression or self-injury, any of these things you’ve mentioned?

LF: One of the big issues is that parents don’t like to admit their child has a problem. It’s so key if your child is moody, acting out, wearing long sleeves or pants in warm weather or just being very secretive to pay attention to what might really be going on. The best thing you can do for your child is help them get help–because honestly, most kids and teens don’t realize that something is wrong and probably aren’t going to ask for help.

As a parent, talk to your child. If they won’t talk to you, get connected with youth leaders or mentors–even their friends and try to figure out what’s going on. Sneaking around being their back to find out information probably isn’t a good idea, but it’s far better to know if they’re suicidal and prevent that than figure it out when it’s too late. Be honest with your kids, but don’t be harsh. It’s not their fault–they didn’t ask for these problems and they need you to be a constant support to lean on.

To learn more about the Dancing in the Rain Foundation, you can visit the website!

Hi. I am 13, I live with my parents and my grandmother. I don’t know what made me cut, but now I cut every day. 10-20 small clean cuts all over my body and several deep and long. I am an excellent hider, and can hide my emotions from time to time, but one day I just couldn’t stand anyone to control me. I hate studying and I cry because of it a lot. I am searching for info not because I want to stop, but to know for sure I can stop.

Knowing how to self-heal myself is even better. I have always been a deep thinker. I wanted to get to know my self better, and actually now I have two lives. One in school, by my parents and family. And the other when I am alone. I usually don’t know what makes me cry, but after a minute crying isn’t enough. Help me by telling me how I can stop (but i will not do it) and that I can stop. Help me pls. P.S.my family doesn’t know, my bestfriend knows and is forcing me to stop. ~ Patricia

(more…)

I sat with a group of teens and we talked about the issue of violence.

QUESTION: A lot of adults are concerned about violence. If you could tell them what the real issues of violence was about, what would you say?

Tony: If I see a violent movie, it doesn’t make me want to kill someone. I’m used to watching these movies. But for me, we don’t seem to talk about what really matters. Like, if I ever thought about suicide, I wish that I could have that conversation with my family. Because if you are feeling that way, you want to talk about what’s really going on, you know, underneath.

Rachel: I need a safe place to go. I need to feel accepted. If you don’t, then you feel like hurting yourself.

After talking for about a half-hour they confirmed what I believed all along. The issue of violence isn’t as much about the pretend world, as it is about real-life issues like: (more…)

To follow up yesterday’s question from a mom about self-injury, here’s a great link to find helpful information about overcoming, recognizing, and dealing with cutting.

 

Thank you for your article in Christianity Today on self-injury. Recently, my son told me that a friend of his from church was cutting himself.  This boy’s former girlfriend did this, as well, and that was why his parents made him break up with her.  They have since told him that he cannot be with anyone until he is sixteen. 

 

So, yesterday he came home with us from church and spent the afternoon. When he left, my son told me that he was still cutting himself and that he was secretly going with the girl behind his parents’ backs. My son also showed me three knifes that his friend entrusted to his care. I am friends with the mother and do not know what to do about this. If I tell her, then the boy will know that my son betrayed his confidence. If I do not tell her, what will happen to him?  After reading your article, I see that counseling is a necessary step in the healing of this problem.  What do you suggest?  Should I tell or just continue to pray that he stops and seeks help on his own?

A worried mom (more…)