by Staff Writer Abbie Miller

“I forgive you.”

I said that a lot growing up. After my mom made a sibling apologize to me, she’d look at me and prompt, “What do you say?”

I’d try to look appropriately righteous. “I forgive you.”

(Only, if we’re being honest, the scenario was usually reversed and I was generally the sibling saying I was sorry for some transgression.)

Of course, a lot of parents teach their children to say “I forgive you,” but was I truly forgiving my sister?

What does it mean to forgive?

Does it mean simply forgetting the wrong someone did to you? Does it mean tucking it away, refusing to feel the way you want to feel… angry, abused, hurt, betrayed, bitter, victimized, broken?

What is real forgiveness, anyway?

I think forgiveness is something that each of us discovers in our own way as we walk through life and experience our own hurts. It might mean a little something different for me than it does for you.

Why?

Quite simply because our hurts are different.

Perhaps I’m suffering because a friend betrayed me. Maybe your heart is hurting because someone abused you physically.

In both our situations, we need to come to separate places of forgiveness. A blanket “I forgive you” just won’t work for all the wrongs done, all the lies told, all the abuses suffered.

But how do we even begin to forgive someone? What does it mean? Here are a few things I’ve learned:

• Forgiveness means (partially) that you no longer hold that person’s offense against them. As in a criminal’s case, if they are pardoned, their wrongdoing no longer counts against their record. It still happened, but it no longer condemns them.

• Forgiveness is not a feeling. If someone hurts you, you’re going to feel angry, hurt, betrayed. Let yourself. But then you have to make a conscious decision. You have to decide that you will no longer bring it up to them, and you will no longer bring it up to yourself.

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. Like with the criminal… it still happened. You likely will never forget. Don’t confuse “forgiving” with “forgetting”.

There are more, I know. But these are some things that I’ve discovered through my own personal experience.

What lessons have you learned about forgiveness?

Abbie is 18, lives in the country with her weird and wonderful family, and loves to read, write, play the violin and eat Krispy Kreme doughnuts. (Not at the same time.) She also loves God, kids, cooking, baking, umbrellas, and the color green. As she grows toward God, she writes about the strange, hilarious and wonderful journey at her blog, Abbie Writes.