Abbie Miller
By RTF Staff Writer Jamin Goeker
Is it possible for a girl to be “just friends” with a guy, or will he read into it too much and think she likes him? It depends on a lot of things, but generally we guys read into things too much and see a green light where none exists.
It’s a sad fact, but guys have a hard time keeping their relationships from shifting to the romantic side and eventually he might talk to you about it. If you’re not interested in him, be 100% honest.
This is not the time to spare feelings. He should have known before he got into this deal that there was a chance of getting hurt. You’re saving him an enormous amount of pain by not leading him on and then telling him the truth.
I talked to a girl in the past about how I felt about her. After thinking and praying, she said she wasn’t interested in me “that way”. Of course it hurt, but I thanked her for her honesty and saw her good intentions. In the end, a guy will appreciate your frankness.
Even after talking it over with a dude, you might get the impression he’s still trying to push the relationship “that way.” Do you have no option but to give him a cold shoulder?
That is a possibility. Sometimes it is the most humane thing to do and let me tell you why. Until it’s been firmly established in the guy’s mind that you’re just friends, he might interpret things you do (going out for a movie, working on a school project together) as a way of saying you like him.
He might say he just wants to be friends, but there’s a part of him that still wants the relationship to work the other way.
I know, I know. We guys are creeps that way.
However, a cold shoulder (not talking with him as much, coming up with excuses not to do things with him, etc.) sends a powerful message that penetrates even the hardest material on earth; a guy’s skull.
Here’s something just for you guys:
Those are some pretty hard words to swallow up there, but save the hate mail, guys. Realize that a girl might be trying to save you heartache when she refuses to have anything to do with you. If you talk to a girl be and she turns you down, don’t be surprised if the Grand Canyon opens up between you two.
You might genuinely want to be friends, but she doesn’t know that. Wait for her to become comfortable around you again and so you can fully get over her. I’m not saying to completely give up, but you need to respect her wishes.
Here’s something just for you girls:
Let me say that some guys really won’t try to push the relationship. You might be able to be friends, depending on the guy and the contents of his character. But keeping the relationship in the right context is a hard fight for a guy, one he probably doesn’t want to win.
Also, don’t let a guy make you feel guilty for not liking him. God created women with a natural sense of compassion for those who are in pain, and in general we guys know it. Some are pros at wringing sympathy out of girls, but don’t let the compassion God gave you be used against you.
Wherever you’re at in your relationship with the opposite gender, trust God that He knows what He’s doing. After all, he knows both of you better than anyone else. God has a plan for your life and the chances are high that they involve that perfect someone for which you’ve been searching. As Jeremiah 29:11 says, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
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Jamin Goecker enjoys working out and staying outdoors as much as he can. He also enjoys writing, music, skydiving, hiking, and paintballing with friends. He plans to be a missionary some day and is pursuing a degree in Intercultural Ministry. You can contact him on Facebook or at his blog: http://www.facebook.com/l/f9d0a;scribe-jamin.blogspot.com.
15 Responses to “real advice from a guy: just friends?”
| 1 | tonya says: | Sep 25, 2009 @ 1:15pm |
This is a really great article but now i have to admit i’m a little confused. I’m always hearing that guys don’t read into things and here you (a guy) are saying that they do read into things?
| 2 | Stephanie says: | Sep 25, 2009 @ 2:29pm |
Excellent post! And I will say I’ve seen the “Grand Canyon” happen a lot in those types of situations. Often it just seems to take a while for everyone to process and sort through their emotions. Healing does often occur eventually though.
I think the reverse can also be said to be true, as well. A guy might think a girl is fun to hang out with, while she is reading his actions as interested.
Very well said. :]
| 4 | Jacob Huston says: | Sep 25, 2009 @ 4:36pm |
very true! wish I could have read this a few months before!
| 5 | Jamin says: | Sep 25, 2009 @ 11:53pm |
Thanks yall. My pleasure!
| 6 | Lydia says: | Sep 26, 2009 @ 10:23pm |
Like the perspective Jamin! 
| 7 | Jamin says: | Oct 1, 2009 @ 9:22pm |
Tonya, yeah. Sorry to say it but we can read into just about anything if we WANT the girl to like us.
Jake, sorry bud. I didn’t know this stuff till a couple months ago myself! lol
| 8 | Maureen says: | Oct 2, 2009 @ 9:44am |
I like your post. Would it be ok if I used parts of it in our church newsletter in our teen section? I’ll credit using your name.
| 9 | bjhamrick says: | Oct 4, 2009 @ 4:31am |
Hi Maureen! I’ll forward your message to Jamin. Thanks! -BJ Hamrick
| 10 | Jamin says: | Oct 5, 2009 @ 8:39am |
Maureen, go right ahead!
| 11 | Marissa says: | Oct 25, 2009 @ 10:40pm |
What about when a boy likes our daughter and she says she doesn’t like him but every action and word indicate otherwise. He had told me he adores her, while she refuses to admit what the rest of us think she feels for him. They spend all their time together and are best friends. He knows he has to take it slow and wait for her feelings to catch up to her actions. This article really help both I and the boy, since he’s sitting right next to me while my daughter is in the shower getting ready for bed. He’s 18 and she is 15. Age difference wasn’t metioned in your article, but is does make a difference. She says she won’t date until she’s 16, and I admire her for it. If he was 15 I’m sure she would have changed her mind by now. Great article!
| 12 | Jamin says: | Oct 26, 2009 @ 11:31am |
It sounds like your daughter and the guy who likes her are mature individuals and they’re handling this like adults.
I think the guy in question is doing the right thing by giving her time. When girls are 15, I don’t know if they quite know what they are looking for in men anyway.
One thing to be careful of is that your daughter makes her own decisions without pressure from anyone, and that she knows no one is trying to pressure her. One time I thought people I knew were trying to match me up with someone. We had a lot of similiar interests and goals, but just the feeling of people trying to pressure me a tiny bit turned me OFF.
In the mean time, preparing for a relationship like that would be a good idea on the guy’s part. If he hasn’t already be doing so (which I’m pretty sure he has from what I’ve heard so far) I’d recommend getting a job, buy a workable car, make sure he is completely debt-free, have a plan/dream for what he wants to do with his life, and be taking steps towards that dream.
Hope it works out for what God wants!
| 13 | Popstar says: | Jan 28, 2010 @ 3:46pm |
Thanks so much for posting this. I’m having trouble with a guy right now. He is still pretty young (as am I, but thats not the point).
How can I tell if he likes me or not?
We are still trying get through the wall that we’ve built between us.
He is really shy, but he used to talk to me. He was so open.
What do I do?
| 14 | Jamin says: | Jan 31, 2010 @ 10:38pm |
Well let me ask you a brutal question right off: you say you both are trying to get through the wall you’ve created, but are you sure that’s something he’s trying to do?
Communication is going to be the key to whatever yall do, so make sure you know what is going on in his head.
I don’t know everything that’s going in your friendship, but it sounds like yall tried to take the relationship a little deeper but it didn’t work. If that’s the case, things are going to be ackward for a while and it takes time to cross the Grand Canyon. I’ve been there myself.
But, you can usually tell if a guy likes you by how much time he makes to be around you, how excited (or nervous) he is around you, and by how deep he’s willing to go with his conversations (do you have deep conversations with someone you don’t know well? he probably doesn’t either). There are a bunch of other ways I’m sure, but those are the only ones that come to mind right now.
Let me just say, too, that it’s important you’re careful about interpreting everything he does as a sign that he likes you. From my personal experience, it’s really easy to think everything is a “move” on you and completely mislead yourself.
Hope this helps!
Let me know if you have any more questions.
| 15 | Anonymous says: | Aug 15, 2010 @ 3:41pm |
what if everybody thinks i like a guy, when i kinda do, but I’m not quite ready to admit it yet? What should I do? Continue to deny it, or suck it up and say so? I’m really confused here.
thanks RTF!
~Wondering