Bekah Hamrick Martin
Abbie Miller
Thank you for your article in Christianity Today on self-injury. Recently, my son told me that a friend of his from church was cutting himself. This boy’s former girlfriend did this, as well, and that was why his parents made him break up with her. They have since told him that he cannot be with anyone until he is sixteen.
So, yesterday he came home with us from church and spent the afternoon. When he left, my son told me that he was still cutting himself and that he was secretly going with the girl behind his parents’ backs. My son also showed me three knifes that his friend entrusted to his care. I am friends with the mother and do not know what to do about this. If I tell her, then the boy will know that my son betrayed his confidence. If I do not tell her, what will happen to him? After reading your article, I see that counseling is a necessary step in the healing of this problem. What do you suggest? Should I tell or just continue to pray that he stops and seeks help on his own?
A worried mom
Dear Mom,
First, I’m not a counselor, so this is not advice from an expert in self-injury. But you are in a tough position. Your son is his friend’s safe place. He feels that he can confide in him, and has even entrusted his self-injury tools to him.
But he needs some help. So, my suggestion is to visit with your youth pastor or pastor privately. Bring the article about cutting to him. Share with him in confidence what the teen is doing, and ask if he will visit with the teen (or with the parents, but especially the teen) and keep your and your son’s confidence intact.
Counseling is a valuable tool to overcome this. It’s not that this boy is “bad”, but he’s asking for help–even if he doesn’t know it. He has a lot of cultural support to self-injure. There are entire sites devoted to self-injury. It’s a cycle that can trap a teen.
I listed some resources and tools in the article, but two books have come out since. They are geared toward girls, but the premise is the same for parents seeking to know how to help their teen. I would suggest that you, your youth pastor or pastor, and the parents read these relevant resources.
One is Jan Kern’s book: Scars that wound; scars that heal.
The other is Nancy Alcorn’s book on self-injury (search for Nancy Alcorn on amazon.com). She is the director of Mercy House.
They both offer a Christian perspective that is balanced and healthful.
The last thing that needs to happen is that the teen is outed as a cutter, with no support system to help him find his way out. It’s a complex problem, but many, many young adults have found their way to wholeness with prayer, counseling, and the right tools to open communication and deal with the real problems below the surface.
Suzie
2 Responses to “”
| 1 | Lydia Rule says: | Jun 19, 2008 @ 12:02pm |
As a pastor’s daughter, I’ve heard a lot of similar situations… and I have friends who have cut in the past. If this young man is opening up to your son, then it’s a good sign… It means that he is wanting help and is looking for it.
I was told once that it is the “people who don’t say anything who are the most serious.”
So, if this teenager is at least opening up about his problem, it means that he is asking for help. I would say that approaching him in a gentle (not condemning) way would be best. Suzanne Eller’s advice is great– and maybe you and your son could convince the young man to go to a counseling session as well.
I’ve had friends who have taken me into their “confidence” before and then instructed me to “not tell anyone”. I’ve had to look at them and say, “I can’t promise that. If it’s something serious, then I have to tell someone who can help you.”
Maybe your son could gently explain to his friend that although he is honored to have his trust, he cannot keep a secret that will cause harm. From there, maybe your son could ask his friend why he is cutting and try to help him out.
The definition of a true friend is not one who will keep secrets, but rather, a true friend is someone who help the other person face those secrets and overcome them.
Perhaps your son will be able to explain this to his friend and then, his friend won’t feel “betrayed” but will understand that your son is only trying to help.
Praying for you and your situation,
-Lydia
| 2 | Lydia Rule says: | Jun 19, 2008 @ 12:08pm |
“Should I tell or just continue to pray that he stops and seeks help on his own?”
My advice would be to pray, first and foremost.
But prayer needs action too… in this case, with the boy being under sixteen, he is still young enough that he may not know where to find help at.
Personally, I feel that the boy’s parents should be told, but perhaps indirectly through a pastor or youth pastor as Suzanne Eller suggested.
It’s a delicate situation, however, I feel strongly that you and your son were told for a reason. You have an opportunity to help this boy heal from whatever is driving him to this point in his life.