February 8, 2008
The Book? Secrets About Guys - that shouldn’t be so secret!
The Author? Grace Dove
The Publisher? Standard Publishing
One “Secret” found in the book: Guys don’t depend upon relationships with girls for their identity or fulfillment.
Today we are interviewing Grace Dove, author of the book “Secrets About Guys (that shouldn’t be so secret)”.
Suzie: Grace, thanks for hanging out at RTF. Let’s get started. You grew up with three sisters, four brothers, and you married and raised three sons. Sounds like you have spent a lot of time with guys. Is it safe to say you are an expert on them?
Grace: I have spent a lot of time with guys. And for the past twenty-seven years, I’ve been totally immersed in their world! But I wouldn’t dare consider myself an expert. I respect guys too much to think I have them all figured out. I’m a female; what I’ve learned has been through observation, not by walking in their shoes.
Still, being in their world as much as I have has shown me a lot about guys, and I’m delighted to share with other females what I’ve learned.
Suzie: What are some of the topics you address in your book that would fly in the face of what girls are taught today?
Grace: A real biggie is the issue of modesty. Guys actually prefer that girls dress modestly, but girls have a hard time believing this because of the media’s message and because of the way guys react to scantily clad girls. In my book, I go into detail about what really entices guys.
Another issue is the controversy about equality with guys. Women are different from men – just as God designed. They do not vary in importance but in role. Girls are taught to be just like men, but it’s impossible. It’s not fair to impose that on girls. But even more important, when we occupy ourselves trying to be like guys, we forfeit the incredible world-changing power God has given us as females!
Suzie: How has culture propagated the guys vs. girls competition – and what do you think Scripture has to say on the subject?
Grace: John 17 records Jesus’ earnest prayer for unity. How can men and women be unified while trying to outdo one another? The Bible is loaded with “one another” verses. Ephesians 4:32 is one example. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (NIV®). If we took just that one verse to heart, there would be no room for men to belittle women or for women to rebel against men.
God has so much to say about the importance of unity that there isn’t space to go into it all here. But I think God views it as so critical to us seeing His kingdom come that when we fight one another, we are actually opposing His kingdom! To me, that’s scary.
Suzie: You say that guys want to be heroes. What does that mean? And what does that look like in relationships?
Grace: The Bible says we – male and female – are made in the image of God. If both genders, being different, reflect His image, then logically they must reflect different aspects of His image.
There’s no doubt Jesus is our ultimate hero! He fights, He conquers, He pursues, He rescues, He protects, He cherishes, He sacrifices, He provides and He loves – even to death.
Guys want to be heroes because that’s the part of His nature God wants to express through them. Watch little boys play. Do they need to be taught to want to be cowboys, astronauts, sword-wielding warriors, sports heroes? As a mother, I had decided I’d never allow my son(s) to play with a toy gun or knife. But I had to rethink things, and I had to laugh when my young son bit his toast into the shape of a gun and pointed it! Even at his tender age, he was exhibiting signs of being a protector, a hero. As soon as he learned to ride a bicycle, he wanted to sail it off the end of a ramp. The “conqueror” side of him was going full throttle.
Girls have tremendous power to bring out the hero in guys. But where does a girl start?
Suzie: As I’m listening to you, I wonder if many girls today accept the not-so-heroic part of guys. The part that lets them down. Just last night I was watching the show where people have to tell the truth in front of their families and friends. One guy admitted to the world that he cheated friends out of tips (he was a waiter), acted without honor in the military (he’s a former marine), made ethnic jokes about his girlfriend’s family (she is Japanese-American), sent flirty text messages to other girls, and used money as an excuse not to propose to his girlfriend.
The girlfriend’s name was Marissa. She sat there with a smile plastered on her face, saying, “oh, it’s okay, really, it’s okay” every time he humiliated her on national TV. I was screaming inside, “please demand more for yourself”.
But I know that you are asking girls to choose guys who are godly men, who care about others over themselves. In those types of relationships, how can a girl have a strong relationship?
Grace: First, enjoy your own identity.
Girls need to understand that they already are just as good as guys. Stop competing. Once girls embrace this truth, they’re free to enjoy their own identity and stop competing with guys.
Then, encourage and celebrate guys’ achievements. Don’t feel threatened or belittled by what guys can do; cheer the guys on in their pursuits.
If you recognize and value your own worth as a female, his achievements won’t make you feel inferior.
Suzie: I think that’s key. One of your secrets was that a guy doesn’t need a relationship with a girl to fulfill his identity. But I meet lots of really cool girls who think that a relationship with a guy fulfills her identity. I think you are asking girls to come to the relationship confident and sure of who she is, and Whose she is.
What’s next?
Grace: Accept their service to you. Don’t insist on being independent. There is nothing wrong with a girl if she needs the help of a guy. God designed men and women to work together as a team. Graciously accept a guy’s help. A man feels like a hero when he can be of service to someone in need.
Appreciate what guys do, and tell them! Thankfulness from females is a powerful motivator for guys.
Finally, admire them. Admiration builds a guy’s confidence. A confident guy feels like a hero. The girl who knows how to make a guy feel like a hero is going to be a girl who guys want to be around!
Suzie: It is obvious that this book is intended for girls, but don’t you think guys will pick it up out of curiosity?
Grace: When I worked on my first article for Brio, my sons and their friends begged to see my notes. I was surprised again when Brio’s editor, Susie Shellenberger, forwarded e-mails the magazine received in response to my article, and half of them were from guys.
As I interviewed guys on the street, when they learned why I was collecting research, they gave their thoughts and opinions with enthusiasm and relief. It was clear they wanted the message out.
I hope guys will read my book. I’d love to hear from them. I’m always willing to learn more.
Suzie: Thanks, Grace, for stopping by. You’ve sparked some interesting questions. I hope that some of the teens who stop by RTF will ask their questions about secrets about guys.
Cindi Hoppes says:
Great interview! The books sounds very good! I have always felt that you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Thanks,Cindi
Bradley says:
A friend of mine, this really godly amazing girl I know asked me today what can girls do to make the guys on our campus feel or be more like a man. It’s way encouraging just knowing girls out there want to uplift their brothers in Christ to step up and be men. Reading just this brief discussion over what’s in this book it seems right on the money. I’ll definitely look into getting it for a couple of my friends.