August 17, 2007
I met this really nice guy at a youth camp and he asked me out. I told him no at first because I’m now allowed to date, but then I really thought about it!
So the next day I told him that I would secretly date him and he’s fine with it! We really like each other and he’s so sweet and perfect for me!
I’m not allowed to date for 3 more years and Im 14. I love him and I know that he loves me and I don’t want my parents to find out that I’m dating him.
But I want to ask them if I can again so if they say yes I can! How can I ask them about dating. If they say no it is going to be even harder to keep my relationship secret! How can I ask them and have a relationship at the same time? I know that whatever they say Im not going to break up with him cause I love him! Got any answers to my questions? Sincerely, Tyrha
Hi Tyrha,
Any relationship build on deceit is not love. It might be attraction. It might be fun and secretive. It might be “I like her/him so much”. But it’s not love.
Listen to what the Bible has to say about real love:
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love is a lot of things, But Tyrha, love doesn’t ask you to hide things from your mom. Love doesn’t say we break rules together because it feels right. Love doesn’t dishonor what God says about truth.
Do you see that? I hope so. Too many teens profess love because it feels right to have a “we” hanging over their name. I don’t doubt your feelings, but I do doubt the strength of any relationship that pushes away honesty in order to thrive.
Talk to your mom about dating, but understand that a parent allows you to do things like date or drive a car or hang out after a certain time at night based on trust. And right now you aren’t trustworthy because you want what you want, and you want it even if it means you go against your parents’ wishes or you have to hide it. That’s a pretty big issue.
Can you have a friendship with this person? Sure. Can you learn all about him, like what he wants to do in life, if he’s fun, if he’s a man who loves God, if he’s kind, if he will one day live up to a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love?
Then, if you are still friends 2 or 3 years from now, and dating is an option, then you’ve built a solid foundation of friendship, which makes for a very cool relationship.
But, from experience my bet is that by that time you or he will have moved on. There’s a lot that happens in your heart and life from 14 to 16 or 17. You mature. You have different interests. You start thinking about the future and college and what you want to do with your life.
And you just might look back and realize that a rush of feelings aren’t enough to base a relationship on, especially if you’re lying to the people who love you the best, and who will be there every day of your life.
Suzie
Debbie says:
“There’s a lot that happens in your heart and life from 14 to 16 or 17. You mature. You have different interests. You start thinking about the future and college and what you want to do with your life.” –Suzie
Suzie’s right on the money with that statement, Tyrha.
I’m 17 and I’m not the same person I was when I was 14 or even 15. (And for that, my parents are very grateful. LOL.)
Listen, you have your entire life ahead of you to get to know the opposite gender in a romantic way, but you only have 1 chance to be a carefree teenager….just my 2 cents’ worth.
Your Sister in Christ,
Debbie
diamond_1190@yahoo.com
Lydia says:
Hey Tyrha!
We all like to have something that no one else knows about. Something that we can hide away from the rest of the world.
Secrets are fun.
But there’s one thing that people forget: Secrets are sometimes dangerous.
If you keep small secrets from parents who love you, it’ll be easier to hide the big things that come along in life.
It’ll take courage to tell your parents, but believe me, it’s better to tell them than to have them find out accidentally! That would not be pretty sight! LOL
If this guy is the one for you, then don’t worry, you’ll cross paths again. Just relax and trust that God has a plan for your life bigger than what you can see right now! Have fun being a teenager! Build trust between you and your parents that way when the time comes for you to date, your parents will be able to trust you.
The trust of your parents is something precious, don’t throw that away on a guy! As a college student, I feel blessed that I have a good relationship with my parents. And the only way to build a relationship with your family is to have trust between each other.
Your parents may be upset that you were dating secretly, but telling them now is a much better option than not telling them.
And truthfully, any guy who will date you on the sly, may not be a person that you can trust. Just keep your eyes and heart open to what God wants you to do in this situation. Love is blind, and the judgement of your parents during this time in your life is to be valued highly.
Praying for you!
Lydia Rule